My fren told me shes gg to see the psychologist one day...

I tot to myself maybe i shld go tooo...

Because

Everytime its haunting me, every moment of my life, i wonder whats is my purpose in life... Why am i here in this world. Why do i exist? How i feel like soloman where he says everything is but dust. How meaningless life is. Thats what i felt since sec sch...

I tot it was normal to have feelings of wanting to die and wanting to escape. Is it normal? Or am i plain childish. I always tot maybe im nt mature enough to look at life optimistically and to handle all the probs. but maybe am
I really just losing my sanity in this world...

I think abt how last time...(my deep deep secret) whenever i cant get to slp, i will imagine myself being kidnapped by a grp of ppl and they want my parents to save me. And my parents who abuses me all the time wont save me, so i beg them to just do whatever they want... And all the stories that i read abt abuse and rape will jus flow into my brain, as i think abt the pain inflicted and all the possible torture methods, my tears just flow and i fell asleep.

When i cant get to slp still, the story progressess where the person i love( the person doesnt love me back) got kidnapped too because of the photo i kept in my wallet. And because of all the love i wish for him, i tried all sorts of ways to save him, be it begging all the kidnappers, and accepting even worse kind of torture methods...

Haha. At the end because its dumb, they will realise that the pain inflicted from my parents abuse outweighs every torture method that they use to punish me and to make me pay for the kidnap fee. Because that pain involves the pain in the heart, the deepest pain one can ever have.

This is just a summary of what goes thru my mind when i have a sleepless night... And this has stopped for awhile until last year... I haven been able to stop thinking of more torture methods to imagine the worse possible pain like sawing your leg as a guarantee that u will nv escape to save your loved ones, getting gang raped to keep them from touching your friend...

All these... I can only put the face to the person that i loved and was kidnapped with me... And now, i can finally say i put two faces to the kidnappers and... This haunts me even more than when they were faceless beings. The thought of... Him and him touching me reminds me of every sick things they have done to me... And... (not to be cont..)




Everytime i keep thinking im im the wrong, its my fault, izzit really my fault?