Its been a long while since i have been back here. since one year ago.

i realise its so hard to find someone to confide in. someone that wont judge you base on your past, your thoughts and feelings.

the people that i confided in that i thought wont judge me, the ones that i shared the most ended up ... i dont knowif the right word is betrayal. or so i thought it was. nothing was said nothing was shared about it. it just disappeared. the friendship that i thought was possible to go on. something that we both had. pride. and that killed us. cant believe it this can happen to both of us when we are both girls. (haha) i thought only guys will have this kind of issue.

the people that i have around me, the friendships that i tried to built. i dont think they will ever see my past without judging me for who i use to be. i can admit i am not perfect. all the things that i have done has shaped me the way i am. i wish i can say i will be willing to share all these with them, but no i have no guts. just wish that life can go on simply, being a nobody in my last 2 years here in ntu.

life is tiring. my heart just beats a skip faster when i see you. the fear that i know that you know everything about me. no wonder they say we have to be certain who we can share with. and you dont knowthe fear everytime i see the personal message pop up on fb. you dont understand that kind of torment i feel. each time not knowing what to expect. scared is that group of people spamming me, threatening me every moment of my life. what i feel is the feeling of intrusion. and now the only thing i can say is there is no trust in my life anymore.

it feels good to be able to say what i feel even though i know no one sees.
always thought that a church cell group each time i attend i feel the warmness but yet other than that, its all emptinesss. i always imagine how a church group to be like, ppl asking about each others life and all. thats what i see among them, but i always feel like an outsider.

i am happy for that i dont have to face the people i see everyday for the past two years. this gives me a break and really truely appreciate them for being them, cant imagine gg to school for the past two years like what i am doing this sem. hate to admit as much as i look strong and pretend nothing has changed but yes something has changed, am no longer the me you see everyday. no longer the person i use to be living. life alone is scary. yet i have no desire of making friends. the friends that u just meet everyday because u will meet.

am so tired. feel like doing every stupid thing that everyone thought of doing at some point of time. but i cant. i just cant...

life without God is a life of desperation.
life without God is a life of hell.

thats all i can conclude....